If you notice this, read this. An year has passed of suffering, and now I am fighting back. Time to show my own status quo populist mind what I want to do.

First of all, I have to say that the reason why I am not posting as much is because of the following...

First of all, the computer I'm using is strangely putting the message "Unable to connect to the proxy server" on many sites strangely. I can access Youtube, Wikipedia, Reddit...but not this site and other things. However, I found a loophole, so it's ok for my lazy moment.

(Update with First Reason: Now I can access all places. Just needed to navigate in Windows 8 mode. However, the other two reasons still hold hiatus time real long.)

Second of all, I have not been feeling well *coughcoughdepressionissuescoughcough*, and I am more focused fighting myself to the death than doing anything other than post outdated drawings and writings nobody comments (which is literally one of the reasons why I am fighting myself). It may seem rather pathetic that the lack of comments has literally triggered a depressive regime that has taken me down for an year and a half, with a lot of things that have happened during such times...but I've faced the reality, and that's just how my mind did what I call "internal politics". Deal with it like I dealed with it.

Last of all, I had to fight, get therapy, and again fight just to post this reason I literally couldn't do because "hur-de-dur people will judge you", which is literally the third reason why I don't post things anymore. I fear judgement. I have chalked it up to a strange case that I act politically correct and trying to not be offensive when in the Internet...but act as offensive as allowingly possible when it comes to dealing with myself. It's a strange mentality. This does not mean I have stopped drawing or writing. I have to thank The Posterity Project, or politically speaking, the Posterity Act, for making me still draw and write to this very day, for without it, I surely would have given up and have fallen in line with my own mind's inane rules.

The Posterity ProjectI have a major project today. I think this time this one is a very big goal that I hope to achieve, as a legacy to myself in a few years and possibly anyone who will stumble onto it.
I am planning on making a library of all of my creations, comics, written stories, and all of them for the purpose of four acts.
1. For Posterity (So that any future man will see them.)
2. For Future self: So when I have grown up, I will see the stories written by its younger past.
3. Shorn upon the Legacy: It will hone my skills as a writer and an artist.
4. To Save: No longer will I lose any more historical books that I wrote as a kid, for I will have them all on one spot. 
This, of course, is no easy task. More than 100 concepts I have to make in art form or writing, and countless dozens of historical messes that I have to organize and refind. And yes, I will go to Deviantart to recollect all of the stories and poems that I may have written here, even the god-awful ones I will have to show my futur
(Read this if you want to know. Apparently, even in August, I had depression.)

(Also, thank you, XxKashmiraxX, for posting that comment. It really is prophetic that it has 100% served its message, and even more, considering that act saved my artistic life for even giving me a purpose to write and draw at all.)

Since I am still writing and drawing to this very day (The depression has given me a lot to work with, and has given me a lot of inspiration for great stories), this reason explains the lack of drawings: My mind fears judgement, destructive criticism, and offended people (who are real people; I have learned to harshly deal with myself), and therefore censor most of my works to the internet, while I freely draw them at my own leisure, knowing what to say to my own offended mind. (Strange that I can offend myself with my own "offensive" works.) So the art you're seeing right now definitely does not represent my skills. I have a collection I fear is "too much for you". However, this journal entry may help break barriers.

I could have written my feelings before, but back then, the third reason was what dominated the times, when being accused of "putting muh personal problems on the internet" is more important than my cathartic needs. (Back then, I had no therapist, and when I did have access, it helped me somewhat). My art has also provided that need, but it has made my art more negative and more derogatory and careless as a result. Whatever. At least I have that for posterity, and at least it saved my sanity (somewhat).

However, the forementioned is just an introduction. I am currently writing an essay citing a rather unorthodox time when I still was a happy person. I am writing that moment because Past Me is a radically different person than right now, so if anyone wants to insult me, I'll deviate it to that Bryan, and trust me, insulting me for what I want to tell you is one of the reasons why I feel like I am not allowed to be happy.

I am going to let my "terrible", "abysmal", and "anyone is better than your writing and drawings" writing (The forementioned insults is my mind saying that) write that one moment that has happened to me when I was happy. I'll post it in this site as a sign that I will deal with the criticism. It is a test that after brutally and mercilessly ending the rather illogical attacks by my own inside critics against me inside my own brain, that I can deal with the equally illogical in this site. After all, why can't I deal with real people who may say dumb stuff, if I have dealt with my own inside critics?

This one writing I have needs to be remembered for me. I think that the story that I have to tell is essential to the spirit of happiness that I have lost. Let me tell you, the story is worthy of humiliation, and insult, and otherwise, makes me a weird human being, but it also made me happy, and taking that away has made my mental health overall degenerate. That is all the hint I can tell you.

This is a plea. It is better to reunite with the art world and at least do the effort to trust this site, and write my works and reconnect with my followers who although do not comment on my works, overall still have followed me for some reason, which only few I know why, than the other course of action I would have taken: To alienate the art world, to make DeviantArt be seen as a terrible place and make propaganda of it, and overall assume that they would admire and accept that I leave, and that I take the ignoration as purposeful and say "Oh, they will just say 'leave, nobody will miss you if you leave, nobody needs your artistic creativity here', so it is totally ok to leave DeviantArt, because nobody likes me".

Yeah...I am currently taking that action...to replace an equally propagandistic falsehood that everyone hates my art, and that everyone but me has their artwork loved (even the terrible artists in Deviantart here are Da Vinci compared to me), and that I should QUIT my passion for art simply because of the fact that there are more skilled artists than I. Overall, internal politics is deeply egocentrist and bent on appealing on different parts of myself.

*sighs* Internal politics has given me a lot to work with.

But this is a plea. To do the more positive thing before I resort to lying to myself to make me happy. The reason why I did not do this more positive solution is because people will judge me. Now, let me write a creative play so you can see some thesis of me and my own brain, divided pieces and mentioned.

Me: I am now sick and tired of my own self-oppressive mentality. I shall do the unthinkable: That is to write the essay to unite with the deviants.
Brain: Wait, I thought you were going to alienate them and leave them alone. They don't care about you.
Me: I have thought of this since I am writing an essay. I feel like this essay needs attention. Besides...where is your proof that they don't care about me? That is unbased.
Brain: Well, the proof lies in that they have not left a single comment on your art.
Me: Absurdius Maximus
Typical Brain as usual. Ignoring the damn evidence just to spite me and make me miserable. Saying again and again that nobody cares, making my mind believe it INSTEAD of looking at the evidence. I know what you are about to say. "Oh, those don't count."
Brain: Yes, so what. That drawing is....terrible,
Me: Then you are out of touch with what people really are. Remember Season 2: Episode 5 of the Truthbearer (A comic expressing mental problems). You said people were going to judge me and hate me for depicting such a taboo topic, but instead, they loved it for the comedic trials.
Brain: Bryan, that comic had...
Me: No, your hatred only makes those works stronger. I can cite many examples of your offended and callous nature making some of my most unorthodox and morally inept ideas popular.
Brain: Overall, Bryan, this is the Internet. There are people who will insult you, judge you, and hate you.
Me: Remember April 21? Obviously, I can't tell DA what I drew that got you so riled up because it has garnered my natural morality rightfully so, but you became a hypocrite for calling me out.*looks at DA* Damn, they're seeing me. I obviously can't tell them this holy offense we did against this one anime series that has been the cornerstone to disaster for me, you, and overall, reason itself.
Brain: Yeah...That anime destroyed our art.
Me: Any thoughtsman with intelligence and reason would tell you that anime is not the cause, it was a victim of our own belligerency, you numbskull. Why can't you accept reason?
Brain: Still...people will insult you. This is the Internet. April 21 is truly such a morally decadent day. You should not have drawn that drawing.
Me: Screw you, I'm drawing it again. I feel like it needs some improvements. Oh, and what proof you have that they will insult me?
Brain: The Internet naturally is an insultful place.
Me: *sighs* Look. I dealt with you. You are even more offended than Tumblr is. You have made inanely idiotic arguments, and I dealt with them. What makes you think that people here aren't the same?
Brain: But--
Me: -s is where your arguments come from. Well, Oh mind of mine, let's prove it. Let me see if DeviantArt is as cruel, heartless, despicable, demonic, apathetic, callous, and appalling as you make it out to be...or how I myself make it out to be. I'm telling myself lies. However, this story has implications that we lost ourselves, and thus may be the savior of myself. Let this moment serve as a moment for a concept you try to make me forget. Like the wise have said, if nobody cares about me, there is only one who truly cares about me, and that is Posterity Bryan. If all of this, trying to talk with humanity, does not work, then so, let my ego and tame narcissism lead me to greatness. But first, give thee at least a chance to speak. I shall give them a platform. I want to see if your words are truly right...if people really do not care about me...

Final Appeal

I know that my mind and how I treated myself has made me more disposed to be reliant on validation, on confirmation, and acceptance...but that's how it is. I can't shun it. I feel like I need to be famous in order to succeed. However, I know that is all a lie, and I already am doing steps. Being popular and giving people the pedestal over me; that is not who I am. Being self-centered, while still feeling like people have a voice, is who I am.

It may sound "self-centered"...but hey, call me that, that's how I proudly associate myself, and my out-of-touch part of the brain won't serve your hateful or constructive speech.

However, I need the green light so I know I am not doing this in vain. I can't post the essay if there is nobody to hear it. If you think I am really reliant on your attention and popularity, I could have easily just written the essay, done status-quo "Ehhh...people won't care about this, I'm a shitty artist and writer and therefore not worthy of their level", and just continued the isolationism as usual. The Posterity Project, unlike my own weak passions, does not depend on you. I could have done it either way, with or without your help. (It may sound rather rather haughty and snobbish writing it like that, but that is really how things would have went. I can't just sugarcoat it and follow my mind's philosophy of treating you, the Deviant, like a baby, a child, or an easily offended Tumblrina.) In short, I need a sign that I am supported here so I can continue here. I already know I support me, so I can continue for me.

Well, this time: I'm giving you the chance. The Isolationist way would have called you "one of the enemies", and the Populist way would have treated you like a king at my own mental health's expense, and still neglect to give you what my art has to offer. This solution gives you the chance to connect to me properly, instead of these unhealthy ways of viewing that either threaten or sugarcoat my way of existence, and treat you all like monsters. So seriously, if you want to hear more of me, and prove my callous thought process wrong, than leave a comment, and show you mean it.

Seriously. I have wanted your comments before, but they have been without strength. Give me a favorite if you want, but if you favorite and just leave, then I will take it as meaningless (For me, favorites are simply "I like it shallowly"). You can also view this and leave, but if seeing the view count says something, it is that some of them is of the poster himself, and therefore lost value because of it. ) You have to show that you care. Do not leave the casual "Oh, this writing is good". Type it like you mean it. You all hear that artists usually see these as small doses of love...or just shallow praise. I take it both ways. It may sound like I am asking too much, and I admittedly do these favorites and leaves and shallow praises myself, but I am now dedicated to build bridges between me and DeviantArt. Not leave them empty and praise of popularity, nor nuke and burn them: Build. I say I have ideas, but my mind says people hate me. For the collective of me, only one of them is completely true, and the other one is completely false. Me and my other me already chose stances, now who will you side?

So please, show your support for my cause. My inept, unaccepting, and cruel mindset that I am fighting cannot be toppled simply by the self. My self-parodic excuse of a depression can't be destroyed alone. Therapy has only given me catharsis but also some decent quotes to follow, for my counselor has told me that "Art is not good or bad, but it just is." I myself have neglected to hear my own intelligence speak out against myself. I cannot do this alone. (Well I can...but it would make me a more angry and hateful man who believes that DeviantArt is evil) Prove me and my mind wrong! Leave your comment down below, and I will write not just for myself, but knowing someone actually cares, making me more happy to draw. Leave this journal like the other journals I wrote, and well...at least I tried. 

 You, the Deviant! Who will you side? Me...or my internal demons?